Soldier's Tales and Ridiculous Stories!
by PrivatePyroBot
Summary: What happens when Soldier gets put in charge of reading bedtime stories? He obviously screws everything up and makes his own ridiculous tales. This is a series of short one shots.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This is a series of everlasting one shots. Also this is my first fanfic so please tell me how I did!

"Gather round the ol' rocking chair children." Said the RED Soldier. "Mph tuu!" The RED Pyro shouted, raising his hand and waving it in midair. "And you too Pyro." "Now let's get to the story shall we?"

Soldier flipped through the book and was disgusted. "What kind of a book is this?!" he threw it in the fire in disgust. He was definitely not reading some child fairy tale tonight! "Now let me tell you a real story maggot!"

"There once was a foolish BLU Scout being very smug and attempted to take our Intel" Said Soldier. The pyro gave a muffled noise that sounded like a gasp. "But do not fear! I chased him down with true American power!" "I pinned him down and decapitated him with my trusty axe!" Soldier looked outside and saw some REDs and BLU fighting. "Let me demonstrate." The Pyro was very excited chanting and clapping. They proceeded to walk out the door to the battle.

When they made it through the snow soldier attempted to take down a RED Heavy and RED Medic. He rocket jumped above them and slammed his axe into the Medic's skull. "Doktor is ded!" Shoted the RED Heavy. "Leetle babies have made friend die. Now you has upset Heavy!" The Heavy proceeded to fire at the soldier until he was covered with holes.

The pyro ran as fast as he could. He ran back to the base into his room. He accidently trampled over his Pocket Medic. That night the Pyro would not sleep.

 **That's the beginning of my fanfic! It is a series of Soldier's Ridiculous Stories of America. Please like and give feedback! This is just going to be updated randomly and I might make a schedule for this. I'm not sure. Hope you enjoyed! Buh-Bye!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: Okay I think I might post about 3-5 per week. I'm thinking the time these come out will be very randomized.**

"So was ze story time Pyro?" Asked the BLU Medic. The Pyro just shivered in fright. "I'm guessing zat is a no." The door suddenly slammed open. "leetle Pyro is scared? Let Heavy tell a story." Said the RED Heavy. "Big Heavy and Medic were walking along looking for baby team." Said the Heavy as he grabbed the Pocket Medic and a figurine of the Heavy. "Then Babies come and fight like cowards! But big Pyro come and burn all the babies." He got a match and set fire to a cardboard box. "And baby house burn down to ash. That is end."

Suddenly Pyro jumped out of bed and grabbed his pocket medic. He rushed outside and started to burn everything. The base, trees, and RED's base. All the snow had melted an pyro went back to his base.

The next morning the BLU Team had woken up to smoke and suddenly the whole base has exploded due to the fire reaching Demoman's explosives. They spent the day evacuating and salvaging from the fire. All Pyro did was look in amazement at what he had done and prance around the huge bonfire of the 2 bases. As for RED Team they had all burned as Pyro snuck in and roasted the base.

The rest of the day was a cease-fire. The BLU Pyro was having fun fueling stuff into the huge flames until he saw something. His Pocket Medic was in a pile with his other figurines. The fire was getting closer to them. He saw his RED Spy burning and he kicked it. He had saved his toys and moved them to safety holding them while marching. He had built a snow fort for his toys. He only had 10 instead of 18 figurines plus the 2 sentry guns and dispensers. He remembered where he kept the weapons for them and thankfully salvaged them all. All he needed where the missing 7 since he destroyed the RED spy.

 _ **2 hours later**_

Pyro had been looking and all he found was an engineer and his sentry. He would get more later. He continued to salvage things and move them to his snow fort. Something caught his eye in the distance and he found a RED's body. It turned out to be the Pyro. The BLU Pyro put the RED Pyro into a burnt wagon and pulled him to his snow fort.

 **Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed. Please give a review and like!  
Buh-Bye!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** This was originally planned to be released yesterday but I had no time to write another one. This also fits in with the victory of WWII for the USA which was yesterday for me. Also when soldier says Hitman or Halocrust he is uninformed about the events and forgot their names.

The Soldier remembered it like it happened yesterday. He had fought the Nazis in Poland. He had defeated half the squad of troops with only one hand! He had freed America!

The soldier remembered the story. First he taught himself how to use a variety of weapons and snuck on a train all the way to Poland. The news was breaking out that Nazis were invading Poland so he decided to blast those maggots back to Germany. He jumped of and had blown up tank after tank. "I'll send you surrendering maggots back to…erm…MaggotLand!" Shouted Soldier as he had shot a retreating Nazi. He had jumped on top of a tank and shot a rocket down the hatch. He jumped and timed it perfectly making him go soaring into the air. He had caught into an eagle and went soaring down onto a Nazi. Suddenly he had found himself in something called the Halocrust or something like that. He decided to blow up more Nazis and free the people in the Halocrust.

After a long journey he had made it to Germandee. He had torn past the armies and had made it to Hitman's lair. He had destroyed the wall instead of sneaking in. He finally made past the numerous amounts of guards and made it to Hitman's lair. There he was with wearing torn clothing and he had a bullet in his arm. He had numerous scars and bruises but there he was in front of Hitman. He had his shotgun thrown into a guard and he was knocked out. He blew up the last group of guards and blown up Hitman into little bits. He had done it. He freed America from his many horrible deeds.

The alarm had gone off and Soldier woke up with a start. That was a damn good dream! He looked at his custom medals. He figured America didn't have enough medals and he was humble so he made his own. He looked at his best friend Sgt. Woodman. He was the best. He gave the cutout cardboard Pyro a shove and it fell over. "Huh. He must be sleeping. Lazy cadet."

Soldier was still thinking about his dream. He didn't have time for lunch. "Ay soldier, you gonna eat dat? Come on! Wake up Soldier!" Shouted the Scout as he kept nudging him. "Hmm? Oh what? I was too busy remembering when I had freed America from the Nazis and Hitman." "You must be dreaming Soldier! Since when have you been Fightin' The Nazis? The wars over!" Soldier suddenly grabbed Scout and said "I have proof maggot! Follow me."

The Soldier had shown the Scout all of his medals. "Psh, when did you get those fakes anyways huh?" Soldier had grown tired of this. For the whole day he had kept on trying to convince Scout that he had destroyed Hitman's army.


End file.
